by Pearl Kennedy

It’s finally here: the terrible twos. A bit early, admittedly, probably due to the arrival of his little sister last month. My son is 20 months old, and we are already seeing the full spectrum of erratic behaviours—swinging from defiance and tantrums to maniacal laughter and joy. I often have to remind myself that he’s experiencing big emotions (sometimes all at once!) and is still learning how to understand and control them. These behaviours are natural, typical for this stage as my little guy tests boundaries…thoroughly.
Inspired by a meltdown over washing hands before dinner, I found myself turning to Paul Dix’s When the Parents Change, Everything Changes, hoping to find some guidance for navigating this encroaching stage of development. The book highlights strategies to foster positive behaviours and family dynamics, focusing on what we, as parents, can control: ourselves. The fact that this book is a sequel to When the Teachers Change, Everything Changes makes perfect sense to me, as many of the ideas overlap. The same strategies I’ve used in the classroom for years to build positive relationships and manage behaviours are now ones I hope to apply at home.
From my experience as both a teacher and a mother, I’ll outline tips inspired by this book to help create a secure and supportive home environment and encourage positive behaviours.
Prioritise Connection Over Correction
Any behaviour management strategy I’ve used in the classroom always starts with the same thing: building positive, secure relationships. A strong emotional bond forms the foundation for trust, communication, and cooperation. A child who feels supported, valued, and heard will handle difficult situations better and be more receptive to adult guidance.
Spend Quality Time Together: The focus should be on simply enjoying each other’s company. It can be as simple as playing a game, reading a book, going for a walk, or joining your child in their favourite activity. For those working full-time, remember: quality trumps quantity. The key is to be fully present and engaged, giving your child your undivided attention—so put down the phone, turn off the TV, and stop thinking about work. Let them choose the activity to make it even more meaningful.
Use Gentle Touch and Affection: According to Dr. Siegel, one of the most powerful ways to connect with children is through physical affection—hugs, holding hands, or a gentle touch on the shoulder. It’s a simple way to show love, especially in moments when your child feels vulnerable or overwhelmed.
Celebrate Strengths and Efforts: Research suggests that for every negative comment, you need five positive ones. Make it a habit to recognise your child’s strengths and efforts. Praise their problem-solving, kindness, or resilience: “That wasn’t easy to finish, but you kept going, and look—you’re all done!” Stay genuine, and make sure your praise feels meaningful to them.
Set Clear and Consistent Boundaries with Empathy
After relationships, consistency is key in managing behaviour. The children I’ve taught always sought clear boundaries and expected them to be upheld (for everyone). In classrooms where expectations were clear, students felt secure and more self-disciplined, creating positive learning environments. The same applies at home. When children know what’s expected of them,they will act accordingly (for the most part!).
Set Realistic Boundaries: Say what you mean and mean what you say. For example, don’t threaten to leave the mall, or turn the car around, unless you are really prepared to pack up and go. Be mindful of empty threats – and promises for that matter! Explaining these boundaries to your child can help keep them realistic and support your child in upholding them.
Stay Calm When Enforcing Consequences: When you follow through with a consequence, do so calmly. This reinforces the consequences their actions have without creating emotional distance between you and your child.
Be a Self-Aware and Mindful Parent
It all starts with self-awareness. We need to recognise our own behaviours and emotional responses to our children’s actions. Take a moment to consider what specific behaviours trigger emotional reactions in you. In those moments, acknowledge your response and then find a way to manage it.
Children mirror what they see. Your response may be the blueprint for how they handle future situations. If you respond calmly and thoughtfully, they’re more likely to develop similar emotional regulation skills.
Be mindful: slow things down. Notice your reactions, and respond calmly. Stay in the moment. Instead of worrying about how to clean the spaghetti stains from his favourite shirt, it’s more important to recognize that he’s heartbroken about his dinosaur shirt being ruined. Connect with him first—listen to his feelings, then deal with the shirt.
Emotional Regulation Starts with You
Remember, you’re modelling how to react. If you respond to stress with anxiety or frustration, your child will likely do the same. Shouting in anger teaches them that shouting is an acceptable response when upset.
Practical Tips:
- Take a second to pause or breathe deeply before responding: Simple but effective.
- Labelling your emotions: “I’m feeling frustrated right now, so I’m going to take a moment to calm down” shows that it’s normal to feel strong emotions and that they can be managed.
- Stay calm during conflict: Avoid escalating emotions by speaking calmly and clearly.
When things go wrong—and they inevitably will—be prepared to apologise and repair (more on this below). Taking responsibility for losing your temper teaches your child that it’s okay to make mistakes, as long as you own them and work to make things right.
Reframe Negative Behaviour as an Opportunity
Easier said than done, I know. However, try to approach difficult behaviour with curiosity and empathy. See it as a moment when your child is struggling needs help understanding and regulating their emotions.
Steps to Take:
- Validate and label their feelings: “I see you’re really frustrated right now…”
- Offer a positive alternative: “It’s not okay to hit. Let’s leave your brother for a minute and take a moment with Mommy.”
- Use the moment to teach: Once things have calmed down, help your child practise a better way of handling future situations. You can do this in the moment, or reflect on it a while after the incident.
Master The Art of Repair and Reconnection After Conflict
You are bound to make mistakes along the way and more likely than not you will lose that stoic mask you wear—think of it as a parenting version of a “bad hair day.” When you do, it’s important to take responsibility and repair the relationship with your child. This protects the security of your bond and models that relationships can be mended when things go wrong.
A good apology:
- Takes responsibility: “I was wrong to raise my voice. I’m sorry.”
- Describes the mistake: “I should have taken a breath.”
- Explains your emotions: “I was frustrated that you threw your food.”
- Reassures: “I love you very much, and I always will.”
Don’t Forget Self-Care
Finding time for myself has been a struggle since becoming a mother, especially with the guilt that comes with it. But looking at it objectively, I know that taking time to recharge benefits both my children and me. By taking care of myself, I have more patience and emotional resilience when challenges arise and a well-balanced parent is much better at keeping their cool—like a car with a full tank, ready to go!
Whether it’s reading, writing, running, or taking a hot bath, make sure you carve out time for self-care. Balanced parents provide the emotional stability that their children need to explore the world confidently.
Conclusion
Small changes can lead to big results. As parents, we set the tone for our family environment. Embody the characteristics you want to see in your children, meet them with empathy and patience, and in return, you’ll likely receive positive behaviours, connection, and cooperation.
Think of these tips as a lifestyle change rather than a quick fix. Remember, you’ll make mistakes, but remember we are looking for progress, not perfection. Stay positive, and be the positive change you want to see in your household.
meet Pearl

Pearl is an experienced educator with over six years of international teaching experience in early years and primary education, having worked in countries like Germany, Kuwait, Malaysia, and Ireland. With a decade of expertise in teaching English as an Additional Language (EAL), she brings a wealth of knowledge to her diverse teaching career. Her background includes specialised training in childcare and disabilities, as well as numerous qualifications, such as a Master’s in Education, UK Qualified Teacher Status, and a CELTA certificate.
As both an early years specialist and a parent, Pearl blends her professional expertise with personal insights, offering a realistic view on teaching and parenting. She encourages educators and parents alike to reflect on their approaches, balancing ideal teaching practices with the everyday realities of raising children.